Monday, August 24, 2009

Just Call Me Doc

In the wee morning hours before the kids wake and after Alex leaves - I scour the internet for interesting things. This morning, I came upon a website that listed all of the named phobias. I'm pretty sure I have agoraphobia...although that could just as easily be renamed takingtoddlerandbabyinpublicalone-phobia. Here are some of the other rather notable phobias I came across:

Arachibutyrophobia...which is, of course, the fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth. Since when can dogs be diagnosed with phobias?

Anuptaphobia, which is the fear of staying single. Pretty sure every woman over the age of 30 has that one.

Bogyphobia: you guessed it, the fear of the bogeyman....I thought that was just called being 3.

Catagelophobia is the fear of being ridiculed. Is there a person on the planet that doesn't have this? Who likes being ridiculed?

Dikephobia - interestingly enough, this is fear of justice...

Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia is the fear of the number 666. Who decided to spell it with 666 letters? Try saying that bad boy 3 times fast.

Ironically enough, the longest name for a phobia is Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia which is the fear of long words. "Ma'am, I am diagnosing you with Hippopotomonstrosesquip.." "AAAAAAAAHHHH!!"...I'm sure therapy works wonders.

Pentheraphobia: the fear of the mother-in-law. I also have this one. Wee, look at me! I'm self diagnosing all over the place!

Rhytiphobia is the reason why Botox is so popular: the fear of wrinkles. Me thinks there is a conspiracy with the plastic surgeons on this one.

Urophobia is the fear of urination. I'll bet they have to face their fear 6-7 times a day.

Zemmiphobia: The fear of the great mole rat. Who isn't scared of those things? They look so phallic and wrinkly.

Anyway, I've decided that I'm going to claim agoraphobia when it comes to bringing my kids to the supermarket or any restaurant that requires one to get their own beverage, without my husband. Just this past week, I thought I would do something nice for Calvin because he had been cooped up in the house for 6 days straight due to rain. I brought him to his favorite restaurant, Jason's Deli (ok, ok, it is my favorite restaurant but he likes the ice cream). Without thinking, I ordered a salad. I get the empty plate and cups and then it dawns on me that I'm going to have to schlep Calvin and Connor across the restaurant numerous times to fill these up. Frick. Off we go in the wheeled high chair, bumping into chairs all the way up. Fill up cup #1, check. Back to the table and then back to the front. Rinse and repeat 30-million times and we finally sit down. *cue large sigh of relief* "mama, I have to poo"...seriously? Obviously asking him to hold it was out of the question so off we go to the bathroom where he pitches a fit about having to use the girls bathroom because, well, he isn't a girl (eeeew). Finally, I convince him that it is perfectly acceptable for a boy to use the girls bathroom (I'll have to rethink that argument in a few years) and we get back to the table. We managed to go at least a minute without any incident and then I put my drink within reach of Connor, who promptly pulled it over in his lap. I'll be honest, I cried a little. I got it all cleaned up and then got the kids ready for another trip to the front to refill. On our way back to the table, we ended up having to abandon the high-chair because every route to our table was blocked by people of the extra-large variety. I waited for to Calvin to finish his food and left. There is not a chance in hell this is happening again.

Today marks the first day of week 2 of law are we going to survive?

1 comment:

  1. Girl, where have you been hiding?! This is hilarious!!!!