Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Sparing You The Pain

Things I could blog about today, but won't. This blog is my therapy, but I don't want to put you in therapy just for reading it.

1. The ways the Laotian women at my nail salon ask me every. single. time if it has been a long time since I've had a pedicure...even though they know it hasn't. Then they proceed to laugh at me in a language that I can't find the Rosetta Stone application for. But when I do...boy, they better watch out. If you're going to make fun of my calloused toes and dirty nail beds, at least do it in a language I can understand so I can laugh along with you. I'm not too uptight that I can't have a laugh at myself.

2. My new yoga pants -- they aren't sweats!

3. My stupid widows peak making it impossible to have any of the newest hair styles. I think I was right when in the 6th grade, I shaved it off.

4. All the asshole moms at Chic-Fil-A who let their kids run around like mad men and shove kids down slides. I am glad that they are too wrapped up in their conversation about the latest Hollywood gossip (did you see Brit's vag? OMG!) to actually parent their kids, but not so much so that they can't try and rip me a new one after I've had to do their job for them. Talk to the hand, lady.

5. The fact that I feel like a freakin' dinosaur whenever I go to the mall. No longer is the mall a place for kids and geriatric mall walkers.

6. People that actually use text speak in their day to day speak. If I hear one more woman say O-M-G!, I think I'm going to puke. And while we are on that subject, 40 is not the new 17. Put some clothes on.

7. Heelys. Does anybody else dream of tripping the little creep that keeps trying to run you over?

8. Candy Land. I was on the red square RIGHT before the rainbow winner square and I got the gingerbread. The game is rigged.

And finally, 9. Farting in elevators. Thanks, Alex.

Happy Wednesday. I feel like I'm having breakthroughs in the scheduling. I don't feel like things are quite as crazy. I understand now why moms schedule loads of things for their kids to do - it is to take up the time during the day so they don't have time to sit and think about how damn lonely they get sometimes. Having things to do breaks up the monotony of the day - a break from laundry, dishes and baby poo. A break from having to trick my kid into eating by calling it a snack instead of breakfast.

We just might survive this...


  1. See I prefer to go to a nail place where they make fun of me in another language. I can't handle people talking to me while dealing with my jacked up feet. That's why I don't go to a "day spa", they all want to talk at those places.

  2. Oh I think I love you. #6? Just the snark I needed to make me smile today.

  3. oh i could blog ALL DAY about the chick-fil-a moms. my poor boy started defense tactics, last time we went, he quietly goes into the playroom, pushes down the first kid in sight, and then goes to play. i was like "you show em who's boss baby!" he has been bullied so much and he's not gonna take it anymore lol.